Can we hold people accountable and meet them with compassion?

In this powerful and thought-provoking episode of Compassion in a T-Shirt, I sit down with my friend and colleague Ken McMaster, a social worker, trainer, author, and founder of HMA in Aotearoa New Zealand. Ken has spent over four decades working at the frontline of domestic and family violence intervention, and brings a wealth of insight into how people change — and what it takes to truly support that change.

We explore the complex relationship between compassion and accountability, the role of shame and trauma in harmful behaviours, and the importance of emotional regulation and self-compassion in the journey towards safer, healthier relationships. Ken shares both personal and professional reflections on what sustains him in this difficult work — and how we can keep showing up with care, even when the work is hard.

Whether you’re a practitioner, a policymaker, or someone curious about the capacity for change, I hope this conversation offers something meaningful.

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Introduction to Compassion in a T-Shirt

00:17 Meet Ken McMaster: A Journey in Social Work

01:24 Early Career and Foundational Experiences

03:55 Addressing Violence: Professional and Personal Insights

07:11 The Role of Compassion in Addressing Harmful Behaviours

14:42 Understanding and Managing Shame

17:28 Trauma, Adaptation, and Behaviour Change

22:16 Self-Compassion and Creating New Narratives

26:54 Addressing Youth Abusive Practices

28:19 The Role of Anger in Violence

30:58 The Importance of Emotional Regulation

34:40 Impact of Engaged Fathers

38:27 Challenges and Progress in Intervention Programs

46:10 Support for Professionals in the Field

49:35 Concluding Thoughts on Compassion and Engagement

LINKS:

You can find out more about Ken’s work at hma.co.nz

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Website: https://www.stansteindl.com/

YouTube Video URL: https://youtu.be/OxK4cSw8RXU

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Video hashtags:

compassion, domestic violence, behaviour change, shame, self compassion, trauma, anger, emotional regulation, accountability, ken mcmaster